I found this post it note on my desk this week. I can't imagine the roommate is asking this question as she is marrying her Mr. Right in June. I can only assume I am the author of this sticky note. It must be indicative of my subconscious thought process.
I am admittedly Daddy's little girl. My dad and I get along quite well, unless either one of us is grumpy and then we get on each other's nerves until we team up on my mom. Lucky her. Anyway, several years ago my dad was transfered to my city's Post Office. It was a good move for him, but I think it was even better for me. Since he works so near to my house, he's able to stop by after work to chat or help me when something needs to be fixed. We also have the opportunity to meet for lunch when I don't have to work. It's the next best thing to living in the same town as my parents. However, I haven't seen much of my dad in the last seven months because he'd been working in Lafayette during the week and was only home on the weekends. Well, this week he was transfered back to Mishawaka, and it was just in the nick of time! I got in my car tonight to take some things to work and found I have a flat tire. Thankfully my own Mr. Fix-It is back in the area. Tomorrow morning my daddy's coming to my rescue yet again.
It's fitting that when I played my "Britty's Bad Day" playlist on shuffle this evening the first song to play was I Surrender All. You see, today I learned that two of my former students, who are very dear to my heart, were busted for having pot at school. It breaks my heart that these boys have chosen this path for themselves after we discussed so many times what it would take for them to graduate. I know they haven't seen anyone in their immediate families take a different path. Neither of their parents graduated from high school. No one at home really expects them to graduate. Sure, the deck is stacked against them, but they have so much potential. I want desperately for both of them to know Jesus and experience his life changing love. It hurts my heart that their lives are filled with darkness when they could be living in the light of Christ.
All afternoon I've been upset by this news that they are making poor choices. It's so very frustrating to see the direction their lives are heading, but the most upsetting part is knowing there is nothing I can do. Nothing. I don't have a relationship with these boys anymore, so I don't have the opportunity to speak truth into their lives. I don't see them when I'm walking my dog or buying groceries. I don't even have any of their younger siblings in my class. There is literally no avenue for me to impact their lives. It's almost more than I can take because, dang it, I want to be in control. Because in my yearning to be the one in charge I delude myself into thinking if I were in control, these two boys would be making better decisions.
Thankfully God knows my delusions are unhealthy, and he's willing to remind me through whatever means available (iTunes playlists for example) that surrender is the best option.
Because really he's got it under control.
I happened to upload some pictures to my computer this week and realized how much better I like my hair now than I did one year ago. Why didn't anyone tell me I needed a hair cut?!
After feeling like I want too much from life earlier this week, I was comforted by two different sources. First my dear friend Luci reminded me that maybe the desires of my heart are not wrong but placed there for a reason. As difficult as being patient is, I am willing to try--especially since I have good friends like Luci willing to help me in the process.
The second source of encouragement came from a book my good friend Jen picked out. Called cold tangerines: celebrating the extraordinary nature of everyday life by Shauna Niequist, it starts with a section called "On Waiting" that spoke exactly to how I was feeling when I wrote that last post. Since I loved the way she said it, I won't bother summarizing it. Here's what she wrote:
I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head I was always one step away. ...
But this is what I'm finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I'm waiting for, that adventure, that movie-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets--this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of us will ever experience. ...
I don't want to wait anymore. I choose to believe that there is nothing more sacred or profound than this day. I choose to believe that there may be a thousand big moments embedded in this day, waiting to be discovered like tiny shards of gold. The big moments are the daily, tiny moments of courage and forgiveness and hope that we grab on to and extend to one another. That's the drama of life swirling all around us, and generally I don't even see it, because I'm too busy waiting to become whatever it is I think I am about to become. ...
You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today.
Lately I have thought more about what I want than what I can do with what I have. I want a bigger house so I can have more people over. I want to share the love of Jesus with the students in my class. I want to get married and be a wife. I want my family and friends to know Jesus and his healing love. I want to lose weight. I want to open my home to troubled teenagers. I want to travel the world. I want a small group again. I want to be a mom more than most everything. I want so much.
Am I discontent because I am not living out God's will for my life? Or am I discontent because I covet what my neighbor has?
