confessions of a maladjusted former missionary

It's been a while since I've written anything here. Mostly that's because I have a hard time keeping up with being a mom, a wife, and a full-time public school teacher. But, another major factor in neglecting writing is that I've had a hard time adjusting to life in the States. For most of the past 8 months, and probably longer than that, I've been cocooning myself from the world. I suppose my philosophy was that if I drew into myself and ignored the world, I could avoid some of the pain of leaving Haiti. I've become a master at avoiding interactions with people that might lead to meaningful conversations. The only thing cocooning myself did, though, was isolate me during a time when I desperately needed to be surrounded by people who love and support me. Change is hard no matter what, but this particular change was extreme. We left our jobs, our first home as a married couple, Arold's family, our friends and coworkers, our church, the ministry to Haitian students we loved so much... Everything about our lives changed in one fell swoop.

Logically, I know we made the decision to follow God's leading and move the United States. Irrationally, I felt like God did this to (instead of for or with) us. In the beginning I was hurt and angry, feeling like God had sent us to the US and forgotten about us. When I'm being reasonable, I can see that God is still using us--maybe not in the way we'd like, but working through us nonetheless--and that he has a purpose for our time here. Arold is taking Bible classes, we are learning about various models of ministry, and we are working on becoming financially independent. Knowing that our time here is preparing us for future ministry is the balm to my hurting heart.

Living in the States has been good. We stayed with my parents for the first seven months before moving into an apartment of our own. They adored having Isaac there every day to tickle and cuddle and keep out of the dog food. It was a true blessing to live with them while we transitioned to life here. We enjoy the stability and conveniences of living in a developed nation. And, I personally am thankful for hot showers every single day.

But as good as it is to have access to the conveniences of the modern world at my fingertips, I'm still learning to reconcile the desires of my heart with the reality of today.

National Exam Time

It's the season of National Exams in Haiti. The sixth grade students finished their exams last week, so 9th grade students are "writing" their exams this week.

If you think of them, pray for these guys and their classmates this week. Will ya?

Mouse and Porcupine 

Adele & Edeline

si bondye vle

**I wrote this post several weeks before we left Haiti, so it's probably a month old at this point. So if you get the impression I'm currently in Haiti as you read it, that's why. We are still in the US and will be for a while.

Si Bondye vle is a phrase that is heard often in Haiti. It means If God wills, but the literal translation is if God wants. I remember talking to my small group about using the phrase "If the Lord wills it" at one point several years ago. We agreed that we should recognize that our plans can be changed by God at any moment, but we also felt that using the phrase Lord willing all the time seemed a bit, um, well, over the top.

Living in Haiti has given me a different perspective though. It seems that what we plan rarely happens. Unexpected events occur so frequently that the phrase si bondye vle isn't over the top at all. It's reality.

When our nanny/housekeeper leaves for the day and I say "see you tomorrow" she responds with a cheerful "si bondye vle." She knows that any number of events could happen to prevent her from coming.

When my students ask me when we will visit Haiti or when we return to live here again, I can give them my hopeful timeline but I have to include an emphatic si bondy vle. Because, really that is the only way we'll be back in Haiti within a few years.

In the U.S. it's easy to live as if I have control over my life, but living in Haiti requires me to recognize that I am not in control.

Fun Saturday afternoon!

Yesterday we took a couple of my crochet students and Ashley (who's helping out at Rivers of Hope orphanage this month) to Apparent Project. We also made a few other surprise stops, Epi-d'or and Place Boyer park. It was an awesome day. Isaac did a great job riding in the car and shopping. He even got to eat a piece of my crepe at Epi-d'or and drink some water from the bottle and a straw (probably the highlight of his day). I thoroughly enjoyed this special day with some of my very favorite students. Another gift from God, for sure!

ready for a day in the hot city

Rosias and Monley adore Isaac, and the feelings are mutual.

my hubby and a view of the beautiful park

this nice guard/police man let us take a picture with him at the park.

The park we visited was Place Boyer in Petion-Ville. It was just re-opened last week after months and months of work. It was a tent city when I arrived in Sept 2010. The tents were gone by the end of 2011, but the park looked rather blah. Last summer when I was pregnant with Isaac, they put tin all around the park while they were working on it. Everytime we went shopping at the "Haitian Wal-mart" I asked Arold what he thought they were doing in there. (He loves it when I ask him to speculate so much that he's stopped responding to these questions at this point in our marriage. If you hear me talking to myself, it's his fault.) The park was finally reopened this month, and it is AWESOME! I know some people will criticize the government for spending money on a park when there are people still living in tents, but I think having a safe and beautiful place for people to just hang out does a lot for boosting the morale.

Sunday Drive

Last Sunday wasn't Mother's Day in Haiti, but it was a great day anyway. We went on a drive in the late afternoon. We went to the look out point, Boutillier, for some acra (pictured below). We were pleasantly surprised to find live music and lots of canvas gazebos and umbrellas set up to protect diners from the setting sun. It was really nice to sit and enjoy the beautiful view of Port au Prince, the wonderful weather, and the live music. Arold even recognized an actor from a Haitian movie among the other diners!

After the lookout point, we ended up turning into Thomassin 25 and driving on a newly paved road that leads up into Fermathe. Arold took me on this road once a few months ago, so I knew that we would come out around Fermathe 45 area. Once we got up on the mountain a little more we could see the look out point (all those towers toward the right on that mountain ridge below) where we had just been. I love living in the mountains! 

We ended up taking a turn to see where the paved road would take us. We started going back down the mountain and realized that we would end up in Petion-Ville if we kept going. I thought it was a great day for an adventure, so we kept going. At a certain point the paved road just stopped. We were going to turn around, but another car went on the unpaved part so we followed. We ended up driving down through Montagne Noir and into Petion-Ville. When we got to Place St. Pierre there were tons and tons of people in the park that used to be a tent city. It was so nice to see people using the park after month and months of it being closed due to renovations.  Below you can see the difference in the road. The unpaved part was really bumpy.

Special Gift

It's always been difficult for me to process changes in life--especially when it means saying goodbye to people I love. When I taught 8th grade reading, I was always an emotional basket case at the end of the  school year. Since I moved to Haiti I haven't had that problem because, for the most part, I had the same students the following year. It's been awesome to teach the same students for three years. I've seen my students grow in academics, but also in maturity. It has been a true blessing from the Lord to serve the same students year after year.

Tania, Ogimene, & Ameline

Before I turn into a teary eyed mess, let me say what I planned to write. Today I received a special gift from the Lord. As I was leaving Gramothe to walk home, three of "my girls" were standing at the top of the road, preparing to walk down the mountain. When they saw me, they waited and we walked together--something we haven't done since I stopped teaching computers this year. When I first arrived in Haiti, these girls were chosen to be in my after school computer class. I'm not sure who wrote their name on the paper, but I'm confident the Lord put them on that class roster. Those first few months were... interesting. The boys were falling all over themselves to talk to me. They even tried to get my phone number, so they could call me and listen to me speak. You know, to learn English pronunciation. (ha! that line still makes me laugh.) But the girls never spoke to me. They hung back and made the boys talk for them. I don't think I heard them speak until at least November, and I'm sure they weren't talking to me. Finally after Christmas of that first year, I got them to talk to me. But they were still really shy. As my Creole got better and their English improved, we were able to communicate better. Last year we often communicated in a mixture of Creole and English. They would ask me questions in Creole and I would respond in English. When I started teaching again in January, I could tell that Tana especially had improved. Today was all the proof I needed. We talked all the way down the mountain to the guest house--a good 30 minutes--all in English. I think we only used Creole to clarify once, maybe twice, the entire time. How is that for measurable growth in English?!

These girls have a special place in my heart. Evidence here. Our walk down the mountain today was a sweet blessing from God. Not only did we get to catch up and practice English, we also talked about our futures--my family going to the States and the three of them finishing high school--and God's plan for our lives. I was able to encourage them in their pursuit of higher education. (They'd all like to become doctors, which isn't realistic, so I encouraged them to consider nursing--especially in the realm of childbirth.) Also, I had the opportunity to share part of my faith journey and encourage them in their walks with Christ. It was a very sweet time, and I'm thankful to God for this special gift.

Mica from Boucan

Mica is from Boucan, which is further up the mountain from Gramothe. I think she did a great job writing about where she lives. I especially liked the last couple of line. Click the picture to see it in full screen view.

Savoring these moments

Just a typical day at school. Kids playing. Teachers watching. Sun shining. 

I'm trying to savor these ordinary moments, to remember whenever I start to miss Haiti and our life here.

Sunday Afternoon Drive

These are pictures from a drive we took a couple of Sundays ago (before the little gas crisis). We went to eat in Kenscoff and then took an exploratory drive down a side road on our way home. It was fun to see a new area, and of course I loved the view of the mountains.

Official Bittersweet Announcement

I'd like to skip this post all together in order to ignore reality, but I know I can't do that. *sigh* Here's goes.

We’re thankful for the ministry God has given us with Mountain Top Ministries. Arold has been at the school since 2007 and I've been here since 2010. We have invested in our students through English and computer classes, crochet lessons, summer VBS, and countless hours in the school yard building relationships. Nearly 20 of these young people have been baptized in the last two years. Arold has taught Sunday school classes, played on the worship team, and most recently started a gospel choir with the youth. We have both been privileged to play a part in providing life changing medical care to more than 7,000 patients through the clinic in the last two years alone. There are a lot of good things happening through the school, medical clinic, and church in Gramothe.

While we have been blessed to be a part of the ministry here, we recognize that our time with MTM has come to a close. After a lot of prayer and many sleepless nights, Arold and I have made the difficult decision to move our family to the U.S. for the next chapter of our lives. We are still passionate about empowering Haiti’s youth through education, and we hold a special place for Haitian kids in our hearts. We look forward to the day that God will move us back to Haiti. But for now, we’re preparing for an international move during the first week of June.

So, the bitter part is that we are leaving our students, our church, our first home, and Arold's family. It's definitely not going to be easy. The sweetness that helps us deal with all this bitter is that we'll be close to my family, have constant electricity, and be able to enjoy all of the conveniences that life in the US has to offer. 

Pray for us, will you?

P.S. Nothing is wrong. Yes, it is very fast timing, and we are as surprised as you are that we're moving to the States. We are confident this is where God is leading us for this phase of our lives, so as hard as it is to leave Haiti we need to be obedient to Him.

10 reasons I love living in Haiti

10. the church is the social hub--There's something to be said for having a social life that revolves around the church, especially when the church is within walking distance from your house.

9. the slower pace of life--I don't have meetings to attend. I don't keep a day planner. I don't have places to go after work, so I don't have to think about making dinner between work and other stuff. It's nice not to rush around like a crazy person every day.

8. the mountains--I don't think gazing at mountains, near or far, will ever get old. I also love the fact that the temperature is a good 10* lower on the mountain than in the city. And I love/hate the exercise I get walking up and down the mountain to school. (I curse the mountain when I'm doing the walking and bless the mountain when my pants feel baggy.)

7. the beauty--have you seen the flowers here? Or the mountains? Or the waterfalls, beaches, and lakes? The landscape is gorgeous.

6. the chivalry--I don't think I've carried anything heavier than Isaac since I arrived in Haiti. The very clear gender roles mean that any nearby male will come to my aid if a task is "too difficult" for a woman. Some women might be offended, but I rather enjoy it!

5. the fresh produce--Have you ever had a banana or mango fresh from the tree? So much tastier than the stuff Americans buy in the grocery store. We buy most of our produce from the local farmers' market, and most of it is so fresh it's still covered in dirt from the field.

4. the cultural focus on relationships and people--I'm a task oriented person, so I still get sucked into the "gotta get this done" mindset, but I'm learning to enjoy people and the time I have with them--even if I don't accomplish all I set out to.

3. the weather--This is a no-brainer. I live on a tropical island and 60* is considered cold. I'll take the humidity and heat over winter any day.

2. the resiliency of the people--Life is hard here, but my friends are making it work. My students are rolling with the punches, making lemonade when life gives them lemons, and generally showing me what it means to keep on going when all you want to do is give up.

1. my students--I haven't shared as many stories about my students lately, but they are still as charming as ever. They always ask how Isaac is doing and often want to know why I don't bring him to class. My students are dedicated to their education and determined to rise above their current circumstances. They want to learn and put forth great efforts to get an education.

Clinic Tidbits

I seem to have a problem being consistent with this blog. I wish I could say I'll get better, but I'm pretty sure I won't. I guess you'll just have to deal with my inconsistency.

There's no school this week (yay spring break!), so I went up to the clinic with the current team. I helped my husband enter patient data into the computer. I love seeing the babies through the window and knowing where the patients come from. Today there were three village names that were new to me. I didn't bother asking my husband where they were because a) it annoys him and he was already getting a little testy with the people and b) I don't think he knows where they are anyway.

In addition to learning three more village names, I also got a kick out of some names. One lady's name was Irelande Israel. (Family name is Israel.) I've met people with one country name, but this was the first person with two country names. (As a side note, her first name is pronounced ear-lahnd.) 

About 30 minutes later a man stepped up to the window with the name C'est-Homme Stanley. Which basically translates as "Stan the Man." He wins the prize for best name of the day.

Then there was the little old lady who came up to the window. She was suffering some hearing loss, so she had to ask us to repeat the questions a couple of times. Often old people don't know how old they are. Birthdays are not a big deal here in Haiti (lots of people don't know their birth date) and many people have a hard time remembering their age. When we asked this lady her age, she didn't even hesitate. She said she was 103. WOW! She was a cute old lady. (While she was pretty old neither my husband nor I believed she was 103.)

The best part of going up to clinic today? I got to hold an 18 day old baby. So sweet. (And for the record, NO, it did not give me baby fever. I'm quite content with my 6 month old for now. Thankyouverymuch.)

you can't say it's not fascinating

You'd think after 2.5 years of seeing people carry things on their heads, I'd stop sneaking pictures of them. But the truth is it's just so fascinating that Haitians can balance so many different things on their heads. This lady had been to the market and was carrying her two bags home. Other people carrying bundles of vegetables to market. I see plastic tubs and baskets full of whatever the vendors are selling. And I even see giant bamboo stalks, planks of wood, and other random long objects. 

still wowed

Much of what shocked me about life in Haiti (public power issues, trash everywhere, no sense of personal space/privacy, to name a few) has become normal to me at this point. I feel that I've adjusted to life here pretty well. But there are still some things that amaze me. (Women giving birth at home with no trained medical professionals is one of them, but I'm not talking about that today.)

Yesterday was our third day of no sun, and it had been sprinkling all day. By the time I was walking home from school, the road from Gramothe to the riverbed was pretty much a slip-n-slide. I was especially nervous that I was going to fall. When I arrived at the final curve where I normally descend to cross to the short cut, there were 4 or 5 students standing there talking. Most of them started down the very slippery mud path to the riverbed. They asked me to come with them because I normally do, but I told them I needed my teeth (my first joke in Creole that someone actually laughed at!) and started down the equally slippery road to the long way through the riverbed. One of the girls named Magalie was headed that way, so we walked together. 

Magalie is a student I recognize and can tell you which grade she's in and even where she sits in the classroom, but I can't always remember her name. She's not a shining star in class, but she isn't a behavioral problem either. I don't normally walk with her because she doesn't take the shortcut. Anyway, she was very friendly and asked me all sorts of questions in Creole, which was good practice for me. She wanted to know about Isaac, when I will go the U.S., if I am coming back, and if I will always have time to be her English teacher. I has just enough time to ask her where she lives and how long it takes for her to walk to school before we parted ways. Magalie lives in Planchet, which is two mountain faces down river from Gramothe, and it takes her an hour and half to get to school. She was so chipper when she said it that it sounded normal. And then I remembered that it IS normal for my students and the rest of Haiti.

I am surrounded by kids that overcome many obstacles to attend school, and I am still amazed at what great distances they travel to get to school. 

Can you imagine walking an hour and half to school every day? 

Parc Historique de la Canne a Sucre

After visiting the Embassy on Valentine's Day (and being approved for Arold's visa!) we drove around the corner and visited the Sugar Cane Historic Park. (please pardon the picture placement in this post. It looks good when I'm editing it, but the pictures move whenever I hit "post.")

We learned that the site was once a big sugar cane plantation and the Frenchman who owned it was named Chateaubland. He was very successful because he exported the sugar and sugar cane products (like rum) to France. The French apparently really liked the cane syrup and rum.


He would ring the bell in the morning to tell the slaves it was time to come to work. Later in the day the ringing of the bell signified when they could eat and when they could go "home" for the day.

Next we saw a big water wheel that was fed from an aqueduct, a very good use of resources for the time period.

Then we went under a little tunnel where the slaves would carry the cane to the "crusher." (the tour was in Creole and my husband translated for me, but since he doesn't like translating I didn't get the specifics.) The crusher was powered by cows harnessed to big poles connected to the metal things. The cows walked in a circle and made the metal things crush the cane. (Such a great description, I know.)

From there the sugar cane pulp was taken to these cauldrons and boiled and boiled and boiled some more. When it reached it's final sticky semi solid state it was transferred to big funnels sitting on top of clay pots. It took a month for the syrup to drain into the pot, while the crystalized sugar remained in the funnel.

Next we visited the distillery where we learned that rum can be made from the syrup in about 24 hours. But then it has to sit in barrels for years so that it ages and tastes better.

After the revolution and exit of the French plantation owner, Haiti wasn't exporting sugar cane products or rum to France anymore. (Something about the US still having slaves and being able to produce it for less money than the free Haitians wanted to be paid.) But with the industrial age, came a faster and less labor intensive process for refining the sugar cane. We saw a set up for how it's processed now and it included a steam powered crusher and steam powered boiler pots, and a very tidy looking set up.

Overall, we learned a lot about Haiti's history with sugar cane and the process for refining it. And we got a lot of pictures of a really old steam engine. I think my husband thought the train was the coolest part.

Canne a Sucre is now an historical site and also used for concerts and big events. I often see signs for concerts happening there, and after visiting I can see why it's such a great place for entertainment. (The events are generally above our price range, and Johane tells me that it's very difficult to find parking when you go there for an event.) All that to say, there's a big stage and a bunch of tent pavilions set up with tables and chairs for the events among all the old artifacts. So as we were walking from one sugar cane piece of history to the next, we would our way through the tables and chairs set up for fancy concerts. You can check out the website, but be warned it's in French.

Tout Bagay Anfom

Arold's visa interview was on Valentine's Day. We got to the Embassy quite early, but there was still a really, really large group of people waiting to get in before 7am. Seriously, it was twice the number of people we've ever seen at the Embassy before! I was a little nervous about getting in there in a decent amount of time, but having a baby is like a free pass to the front of the line in Haiti. We didn't have to wait in line and were some of the first people inside. Awesome!

The interview was scheduled for 7am, but we knew from experience that we would initially only be called to the window to give them our papers and then have to wait a while for the actual interview. I thought we would have to go into the little room for our interview, but when the time came we just stepped up to the window. Our interviewer was really nice. She asked some very basic questions (where did you meet, do you have kids, what kind of a job does your wife have, where did you get married). They were so easy we thought it was a trick! Then she said,

"Tout bagay anfom. Congratulations! 

Your visa will be ready in about a week."

We are so happy that the next time we travel it will be as a family. Praise the Lord! Thank you, Jesus!

*the title "Tout Bagay Anfom" is a Creole saying that means "It's all good."

The Sorta Update

So much to say and so little time to write! I hope this weekend to get caught up on some posts I want to write, but I make no guarantees. Here's the quick version to tide you over until more pictures and stories can be shared.

• We went to Fonds Parisien on Tuesday to visit some friends who work out there. The town is on a big lake that sits on the DR border. It was dry and dusty out there, and definitely warmer than the mountain. But it was really fun to explore a new part of Haiti with my husband (and one of his brothers too). 
• Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, which means lots of Haitians were celebrating Kanaval (translated Carnival, means extended Mardi Gras celebration) over the weekend and Monday and Tuesday. It was pretty quiet in our neighborhood, so that was nice. It was also really nice to have three days off of work! (Mon-Wed were all national holidays)
• Arold's final visa interview was today, so we woke up at 4:30 to head to the US Embassy. It was the busiest I had ever seen the embassy, but we were one of the first interviews (scheduled for 7am, actual interview around 8am). The interview was so easy we thought it was a trick, but he was approved after a very short conversation with the nicest lady we've talked to yet. We were in our car by 8:30 and on our way to celebrate. His visa will be ready in about a week. PRAISE THE LORD!!!
• After the Embassy I made my husband take me to Handal Maison, the Haitian Wal-mart. It wasn't open yet, so we stopped for some juice at a nice cafe. Then we went shopping (only bought teething gel, so disappointing).
• After that we took a tour of the Historic Sugar Cane Park. It was pretty cool and will hopefully have it's own post some day soon. Isaac was impressed, and Mom and Dad learned a lot about Haiti's history.

Public Service Announcements

One of the things I think Haiti does really well is Public Service Announcements. When schools are going to be closed or the "city is hot," meaning there are riots, everyone seems to know about it... and fast. The radio and television stations are utilized to make these PSAs, but also cell phone networks play a big role.

It may be hard to believe, but most Haitians have a cell phone. Not everyone has electricity and even fewer people (in my limited knowledge/humble opinion) have running water, but it seems that nearly everyone has a cell phone. And if they don't, someone who lives next door does. The Haitian cell phone market has some pretty cheap phones available, and the cost of one text message or talking for one minute is very cheap. Receiving texts and calls is always free, on any carrier in Haiti, so you never worry about using all your minutes when you answer a call.

Anyway, back to these PSAs I was telling you about. The government especially is good about sending out PSAs as text messages. During the election year I got about a million and one election related messages and automated phone calls each week. It was ridiculous. Now, I regularly get messages from KwaWouj (Red Cross), IBESR (something to do with kids, I know adoptive families have to send paperwork there), LISSA (the lottery), and several other organizations.

Most recently I've received messages from the Red Cross telling about a vaccination for kids under age two and how to get information on AIDS (a big problem here). I really appreciate that the Red Cross and other organizations utilize this form of communication to get info to the masses.

3 years

It's been three years since Haiti was rocked by an earthquake.

My husband was at his electrician's school far down in the city when the earthquake hit, and walked home through the chaos. It took him 3 or 4 hours. He sometimes talks about what it was like that day, but mostly he holds me tight and says he never, ever wants to experience an earthquake again.

Golden Nuggets: Curing Baby Hiccups

If you have kids, you know how freely other people give advice about raising them. Apparently everyone has strong feelings on how babies should be be taken care of. This unwarranted advice can be helpful, but most new parents find it irritating. This phenomena of giving new (and not so new) parents advice about how to raise their kids seems to transcend cultures. At least, I've found it happens in Haiti as well as the U.S.

I've found that raising my son in another country means that I not only get advice from friends and strangers alike, but I also get very... interesting advice. I've heard all of the following:

• babies younger than 1 month old cannot be held in an upright position because they are too young to sit
• babies need to wear a hat to keep their head warm (remember 70* is a LOW temp here)
• babies cannot suck on their hands/fingers or they will be "distracted" later in life (my husband's family seems to think Isaac will have a lower IQ if he sucks on his hands, which he does a lot)
• if a baby cries, he's hungry--just feed him

But my favorite advice so far as been about curing baby hiccups. So without further ado...

The Haitian Way to Cure Baby Hiccups

1. Take a thread from the mother or father's clothing. If the parents are away, the caregiver's clothing will do.
2. Lick the string.
3. Place the string on the baby's forehead between his eyes.
4. Leave the string there for as long as it takes.

Let me know how you fare in getting rid of baby hiccups with this method.