confessions of a maladjusted former missionary

It's been a while since I've written anything here. Mostly that's because I have a hard time keeping up with being a mom, a wife, and a full-time public school teacher. But, another major factor in neglecting writing is that I've had a hard time adjusting to life in the States. For most of the past 8 months, and probably longer than that, I've been cocooning myself from the world. I suppose my philosophy was that if I drew into myself and ignored the world, I could avoid some of the pain of leaving Haiti. I've become a master at avoiding interactions with people that might lead to meaningful conversations. The only thing cocooning myself did, though, was isolate me during a time when I desperately needed to be surrounded by people who love and support me. Change is hard no matter what, but this particular change was extreme. We left our jobs, our first home as a married couple, Arold's family, our friends and coworkers, our church, the ministry to Haitian students we loved so much... Everything about our lives changed in one fell swoop.

Logically, I know we made the decision to follow God's leading and move the United States. Irrationally, I felt like God did this to (instead of for or with) us. In the beginning I was hurt and angry, feeling like God had sent us to the US and forgotten about us. When I'm being reasonable, I can see that God is still using us--maybe not in the way we'd like, but working through us nonetheless--and that he has a purpose for our time here. Arold is taking Bible classes, we are learning about various models of ministry, and we are working on becoming financially independent. Knowing that our time here is preparing us for future ministry is the balm to my hurting heart.

Living in the States has been good. We stayed with my parents for the first seven months before moving into an apartment of our own. They adored having Isaac there every day to tickle and cuddle and keep out of the dog food. It was a true blessing to live with them while we transitioned to life here. We enjoy the stability and conveniences of living in a developed nation. And, I personally am thankful for hot showers every single day.

But as good as it is to have access to the conveniences of the modern world at my fingertips, I'm still learning to reconcile the desires of my heart with the reality of today.

So many things

Ay. Ay. Ay.

It's been a while, huh? My life is so full of reading logs and essays to grade that I barely have time to sit down. Forget about time for reflection and writing. People keep asking how we're adjusting to life in the States, and I don't know what to tell them. I haven't really had time to think about how we're actually doing. We've just been going, going, going. Thankfully that feeling of just barely keeping my head above water is slowly fading. Or maybe I'm just getting used to all the hustle and bustle of life in the U.S.

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In other news, Isaac turns one year old today. But not until 9:25 pm. I still have a baby for a few more hours. It seems unreal to think about this day last year. I was certain I would be pregnant for another week. Then, BAM, my water broke. Three hours later we were holding our precious little boy. I remember the euphoria of those first few hours with Isaac. We couldn't take our eyes off of him.

Now, we can't take our eyes off of him either, but that's because he'll get into the toilet if we don't watch him like a hawk. Ha! He keeps us on our toes for sure.

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A few weeks ago I drove through a part of town I haven't been in for a looonnnggg time. Honestly, I wanted to close my eyes to avoid seeing the run down, rotting apartment buildings and the barred windows of the cash advance business on the corner. I thought about locking my doors (you know, because some thugs might have wanted to jump in my car while I was at a red light), and I also considered trying to find an alternate route that would allow me to avoid the adversity and despair of the inner city. 

How easily I forget that my subdivision, I-don't-have-to-fight-for-anything  life is not the reality that so many people live in. Four months ago I saw the faces of poverty every day, and embraced them. A few months of living surrounded by privilege and suddenly I'd rather ignore the injustice in my own backyard.

I disgust myself.

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It's been difficult for me to transition from "official" missionary work--where every activity and day has purpose--to just another average Joe. I'm thankful for a job where I can impact the lives of others, but right now it just feels like a job. Making a difference in my co-workers' and students' lives is secondary to teaching the curriculum and keeping up with paperwork. When I really think about it, I know I haven't really left the "mission field." But most days I don't really feel like I am being used by God.

Things I didn't know I missed

I've been trying to menu plan since I returned to Haiti in July. It helps me stay motivated to cook every day, which I think I've mentioned before is not really my cup of tea, and it also helps me know what to buy at the grocery store. Sundays are our "Big Haitian Meal" day, but last week I found a piece of meat at the grocery store that looked like it could be a pot roast. So I bought it for our Sunday meal and cooked it in my pressure cooker with potatoes, onions, and carrots.

I. LOVED. EVERY. SINGLE. BITE. As we were eating I kept asking my husband what he thought and declaring it was "so, so good."

To be honest, it really wasn't an amazing pot roast. In fact it was just mediocre. It could have used some more seasoning or spices of some kind, but it did taste good and filled our stomachs. I guess I thought it was so great because it was a little taste of home that I didn't even know I was missing.

Rewind a couple of weeks to a cold and rainy night. Since I've been pregnant I have been HOT. Even at night when it cools down I typically want to turn the fan on to help cool off before I try to sleep. But a few weeks ago a storm rolled in and the temperature really dropped. It got down to less than 70* (I know that's not really cool for most of you, but around here it's quite unusual for this time of year). I was actually cold enough to put on long pants and a long sleeve shirt and even socks! I felt crazy wearing so many clothes in August in Haiti, but it was so refreshing to curl up with my husband on the couch and pretend it was fall!

Then I found a recipe online for pumpkin spice lattes. You better believe we will be drinking pumpkin spice lattes the next time I get my hands on a joumou (pumpkin)! I just used the last of the joumou I had baked,  pureed, and frozen to make pumpkin bread; otherwise we would have had some already.

I thought there was one other thing I realized I missed lately, but I can't think of it right now. I'm making white chili today, so I can pretend it's fall again.