confessions of a maladjusted former missionary

It's been a while since I've written anything here. Mostly that's because I have a hard time keeping up with being a mom, a wife, and a full-time public school teacher. But, another major factor in neglecting writing is that I've had a hard time adjusting to life in the States. For most of the past 8 months, and probably longer than that, I've been cocooning myself from the world. I suppose my philosophy was that if I drew into myself and ignored the world, I could avoid some of the pain of leaving Haiti. I've become a master at avoiding interactions with people that might lead to meaningful conversations. The only thing cocooning myself did, though, was isolate me during a time when I desperately needed to be surrounded by people who love and support me. Change is hard no matter what, but this particular change was extreme. We left our jobs, our first home as a married couple, Arold's family, our friends and coworkers, our church, the ministry to Haitian students we loved so much... Everything about our lives changed in one fell swoop.

Logically, I know we made the decision to follow God's leading and move the United States. Irrationally, I felt like God did this to (instead of for or with) us. In the beginning I was hurt and angry, feeling like God had sent us to the US and forgotten about us. When I'm being reasonable, I can see that God is still using us--maybe not in the way we'd like, but working through us nonetheless--and that he has a purpose for our time here. Arold is taking Bible classes, we are learning about various models of ministry, and we are working on becoming financially independent. Knowing that our time here is preparing us for future ministry is the balm to my hurting heart.

Living in the States has been good. We stayed with my parents for the first seven months before moving into an apartment of our own. They adored having Isaac there every day to tickle and cuddle and keep out of the dog food. It was a true blessing to live with them while we transitioned to life here. We enjoy the stability and conveniences of living in a developed nation. And, I personally am thankful for hot showers every single day.

But as good as it is to have access to the conveniences of the modern world at my fingertips, I'm still learning to reconcile the desires of my heart with the reality of today.

Prayers Answered & More Requests

I just got word that we can file for Arold's visa and report Isaac's birth abroad next Wednesday October 10th. Yahooo!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a definite answer to prayer. I have been trying to contact the US Consulate about the visa application process for many weeks and could never get a real person on the phone.

Please pray that God would go before us and that we would be successful in both of these endeavors. We want to visit my family in Indiana at Christmas and we need a visa for Arold and a US passport for Isaac before that can happen. We are trusting God to provide these documents so we can travel in December.

Ugh

(or  this post could be called "Lessons in God's Faithfulness," but that's only if I decide to be a good student.)

I'm having a hard time focusing on God's faithfulness right now. It's supposed to be my theme for the year, but I haven't spent much time dwelling on his faithful ways.

Instead I keep worrying about what's to come or what might come. Because, you know, that's really helpful.

We recently gained a new monthly financial sponsor, and that brought our level of support up to 69%. I was feeling pretty good about that. That's only 31% more that we need, and I thought surely we could raise the rest before the baby comes. Then we would be set.

However, some things on the horizon make me think our budget is likely changing--and not in a good way. One of my renters in Mishawaka is moving out in June. And I don't know if the other one can find someone else to share the house with. I can't sell the house because it appraises for about $5-8K less than what I owe on it.

If we don't have two renters in the house, there is no way we can afford for me to visit my family in the States this summer. That thought brings instant tears. I miss them so much. Everybody was together for Easter, and I cried reading my mom's e-mail about the antics of the little cousins at the restaurant. And if I don't go this summer, I don't know when I'll see them again. Who knows when we'll be able to travel after the baby is born.

Do you see the downward spiral I get myself into?

Why is it so difficult to trust that God will faithfully provide what we need? There are so many examples of his provision in the Bible, in history, in my friends' lives, in MTM's ministry, ... and even in my own life. But it's like I get blinded to the truth of God's faithfulness by all the "what ifs".

When will I learn to let go of the what ifs and cling to the Great I AM?

overwhelmed

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by life today. I have a running list of things we need for the baby, another list of things we need to do before we can even start the application for Arold's visa, and yet another list of "essential items" I want to buy because, well, they would just make life easier. Today my lists are staring me in the face and taunting me with the knowledge that I have very little control over anything on them.

And then, this song starts playing in my head, reminding me that I don't have to worry. That God is faithful. That I have not been left here alone. 

What it boils down to is I just need to calm down and trust that the Lord God Almighty is faithful.

I saw this the other day and really liked it. It reminds me a lot of what Jesus said in Matthew about losing our lives to gain something better.

Three weeks to go

There are only three weeks until I leave for Haiti. Please pray...

• for quality time with my family in the next 3 weeks
• for a smooth transition for the teacher taking over my position in Mishawaka
• that I will not distance myself emotionally from my family and friends as a defense mechanism
• that God will prepare me for the changes I will encounter once I get to Haiti (some staff and ministry changes have occurred in the 5 months I've been away)
• for my loved ones to experience the peace and joy only God can give as we say goodbye for now
• that the Lord will be glorified in everything

Who do you know?

I mentioned earlier this month that I will be able to return to Haiti and my teaching position there when I am fully funded. In order to live and teach in Haiti, I need $2500 a month. Thankfully some very awesome people (most of whom sponsored me last year too) have collectively pledged $1200 per month. In order to raise the remaining support I need, I am sharing the story of how God is working in Gramothe and giving people the opportunity to partner with me in ministry. Already I’m scheduled to share with two area churches and at a camp in the coming weeks, but I would like share with more people.

Today I’m asking for your help. Would you consider your connections? Do you know a group or organization that would like to learn more about what God’s doing in Haiti? Do you attend a church that is looking for a ministry to partner with financially and relationally? Mountain Top Ministries hosts teams from the US and Canada who serve in a variety of ways (medical clinics, construction, teacher training, pastoral training, church seminars, etc). Do you own or work for a business that makes tax deductible donations to non-profit organizations? Do you know someone who is looking for a cause to champion? Do you know an individual who is passionate about education, serving the poor, or missions?

Who do you know that could potentially partner with me in breaking the bonds of poverty in Haiti?

Shoot my an e-mail at britneyLsmith(at)gmail(dot)com with any connections you are willing to share with me.

Hot Sauce & Cholera

Arold arrived at his technical school today and found some other students sitting in the lounge eating. He noticed they were putting a lot of hot sauce on their food. It's really hot in the city today (95*) and he told me he couldn't imagine eating hot sauce on such a hot day. He apparently mentioned it to the guys too because they told him the hot sauce was to kill cholera.

Oh my word! Hot sauce as a preventative against cholera. That's hilarious! You can't make this kind of stuff up.

As funny as the idea of hot sauce killing cholera may be, this incident illuminates one of the issues I've been wrestling with lately. Most of my students (and many adults that I know) don't have a basic understanding of the human body or healthy living. What I consider "common sense" in the realm of human health and well being, is clearly not common sense. Obviously things like "keep open wounds clean" and "don't put bleach in your mouth" are not intuitively understood truths. They are lessons that must be taught.

The simple solution is to start teaching people about health. But where do we start? Do we create our own curriculum or find one that works elsewhere? What's the best way to get information to the people? How much information can they handle at one time? Is this something that can be implemented in our MTM schools? If so, will the teachers need to be trained? How much training do they need?

If only hot sauce killed cholera, then I wouldn't lay awake at night wondering how to educate high school graduates about germs and how to prevent sicknesses.

Journey

Almost everyone who come through the MTM guesthouse asks me the same series of questions. Sometimes the questions sounds a little different, but most of the time it goes like this:

1. So, uh, what do you do here?
2. How long have you been in Haiti?
3. How long are you staying?

I really don't mind answering these questions because it gives me an opportunity to share the story the incredible journey God has put me on. Plus, if you know me in real life you know how much I like to talk! Occasionally when there's a big group here, I wish I could tell them all at the same time instead of answering the same questions two or three times in one day. But most of the time I'm more than willing to share about why I'm in Haiti and what I do here because the focus of the story is not me but God.

A little over a year ago I was merely planning to spend spring break in Haiti. I was excited to serve God by serving others through a medical clinic. I had no idea that going to Haiti for my spring break would lead to teaching English in a rural mountain school for ten months. I told God a long time ago that I would follow him wherever he would lead me, but I didn't really think he had this in mind! It wasn't easy to follow him to a third world country with hurricanes and tropical diseases and inconsistent electricity.

It took all the courage I had to follow God to Haiti, plus a great deal of affirmation and peace from the Holy Spirit! I stepped out in faith taking a year's leave of absence, i.e. no paycheck for an entire year, from my teaching position before I had any financial support. I was really nervous about leaving a paid position to live off the generosity of others. Okay, that's an understatement. I was terrified! It felt like my step of faith was similar to those cartoon characters who step off a cliff before they realize the solid ground ran out. I took a leave of absence hoping God would put something solid under my foot where there only appeared to be thin air.

And you know what? God didn't let me fall off that cliff. He put something solid under my foot in the form of adequate financial support. He's also continued to make a way for me stay in Haiti. He provided renters for my house (the lease was signed this week!) and gave my dog an awesome new family. He gives me new ministry partners that come from unexpected places. There's this awesome apartment I rent for an incredible price--especially considering the current housing market here. I understand more Creole every day, and I'm learning to communicate in this foreign language. I have friends, a mentor, and to top it all off my life mate.

The Lord has provided for all of my needs--physical, emotional, and spiritual. He orchestrated all the events to get me here, so he gets all the glory. This is one incredible journey, and I'm just along for the ride.

Brave I Am Not

Often when people hear that I left my job, my family, my entire life to move to Haiti they say things that make me uncomfortable. They say, "Wow! You're so brave." And when you only know that I moved to a third world country where there are hurricanes and earthquakes you might be inclined to think the same thing. But the truth is I'm not brave. Not at all.

The truth is I don't go anywhere by myself. Part of that is the fact that I don't have a vehicle to drive. The other part, which is much bigger because let's face it I would have found a way to get a car if I really wanted one, is comprised of what if questions. What if someone asks a question I don't understand? What if they ask a question I understand but I can't give them an answer that makes sense? What if I get lost? What if I get hurt and need some medical attention?

I also don't try new things without a thorough explanation from someone that can be trusted. I don't take risks, and I don't generally like to be in situations that make my adrenaline flow.* To be honest, my heart does a lot of panicking in those moments when other people are brave. Sometimes my fear (mostly of looking dumb) keeps me from experiencing some pretty awesome things. You might be wondering how I live here if I'm such an un-brave person.

The reality is there are a lot of times I'm uncomfortable here. But its the good kind of uncomfortable, the kind that stretches my faith, challenges my insecurities, and grows my character. It's only by the grace of God, and I do not say that lightly, that I have adapted and adjusted to life in Haiti. Please, please don't tell me how brave I am. Instead recognize that God is incredible and amazing, and it's because of HIM that I am where I am.

*Disclaimer: Not being brave is not new to living in Haiti. I have never liked taking risks, situations that make my adrenaline flow, or trying new things without a thorough explanation. 

Benefits of a Vehicle

One of the requirements for me to return to Haiti long term is that I have my own vehicle. Currently I walk to and from the guest house and school when I don’t have a ride. Since the school is only 2 miles from my apartment and the guest house is between them, it’s really not a bad walk. In fact I enjoy the exercise. However, if I need to go somewhere else I have to bum rides off of other people. There are several benefits to me having my own car in Haiti.

1. More time for ministry. First and foremost if I had my own vehicle, I would be able to spend more time on ministry and less on traveling. Because I don’t have my own vehicle I depend on primarily Beth to take me anywhere else I need to go. I love spending time with Beth, and we often have really good talks while we’re in the car. The problem is that with two boys in school and a guest house to run, she has waaaaayyyyyyy more errands to run than I do. Often on Fridays we leave the house at 10 am for the discipleship classes we teach at her boys’ school and do not return until 5pm or after. If I had my own vehicle I could be back by 1 or 1:30 and still do some work in the afternoon. I would also be able to go to Laboule Children’s Home on Saturdays (or whenever I wanted) to teach English, do craft projects, or just hangout.
2. More flexibility. The second best advantage to being able to drive myself around is that I wouldn’t be tied to someone else’s schedule. I would be able to go to the grocery store or Laboule Children’s Home when I needed to go instead of waiting until someone else was headed that way. I would also be able to commit to other activities—like a Bible study—because I would know I could get myself there.  
3. Aid Team Travel. Also having another vehicle and driver would help when we have teams here. Often the teams take a tour of Port au Prince, go to Lookout Point, or head up to the Baptist Mission café/museum. Another vehicle would help transport people during those trips. Just last week some people had to stay skip the tour of Port au Prince because there weren’t enough vehicles for everyone.
4. Makes life easier. Public transportation is overcrowded, unreliable, and unsafe (due to the overcrowding and crazy driving). It’s an option, but not a very good one. Beth has allowed me to bum rides off of her this year, but she needs her own flexibility back. Having a vehicle of my own would make both our lives a little easier.

So what kind of vehicle am I looking for? Well, with the roads in Haiti I will need a 4 wheel drive or all wheel drive vehicle. Ideally it would run on diesel, have less than 100,000 miles, have new tires and brakes, and be in really good condition. Practically, I'll take whatever God provides.

If you want to donate a vehicle to MTM (totally tax deductible!) that can be shipped to Haiti or would like to donate money towards the purchase of a vehicle (still tax deductible), please e-mail me at britneyLsmith (at) gmail (dot) com.

Thoughts on Staying in Haiti, Part 1

I’m not sure I can coherently and succinctly share about why I’m staying in Haiti. It really doesn’t make sense from a practical, logical viewpoint, but I think that’s part of the mysterious ways of God Almighty. He has this habit of doing things that aren't logical: he makes beauty from ashes, he uses the weak to lead the strong, he says the first will be last and the last will be first.

First there are all the reasons I shouldn’t stay in Haiti. There are a lot of them.

• I can’t speak the language. Just this week I told someone I don’t have anything when I meant to say I don’t want anything. While only one word is different, they have very different meanings!  
• My family, who I love very much, lives very far away from Haiti.
• I’m currently too much of a scared-y cat to go to the market near my house by myself. For an entire week I’ve been trying to work up the nerve to ask one of my students to accompany me into the market as we walk home. Apparently I’m not desperate enough for vegetables yet.
• I have a mortgage on a house in Indiana.
• Things like electricity and running water are luxuries here. Read a few of my older posts about electricity if you haven’t already.
• There’s a job (with a very healthy salary--and benefits) waiting for me in a school district I have loved working in for the past 6 years.
• My church family at St. Mark Missionary Church is reason enough to never leave Mishawaka, IN!

That’s not an exhaustive list, but I think you get the point. It makes sense to return to Indiana. But following God rarely makes sense. Abraham sacrificing Isaac, Joshua walking circles around Jericho, David battling Goliath, Jesus calling common fishermen to be his disciples and hanging out with sinners. Where in the Bible do we see God making sense?

Even with that lengthy list of logical reasons to return to Indiana, I know that this is where I belong. I have such a strong sense of belonging at Mountain Top Ministries. It’s like I was made for this specific job! (Ephesians 2:10 and Psalm 139:16 have a little something to say about that.) My personality and talents are an exact fit with the other staff of MTM. More than that though, I have an overwhelming sense of peace about defying all logic to stay in Haiti.

Haiti Q & A: How are you paid for teaching in Haiti? Part 1

Q. How are you paid for teaching in Haiti? or Does Mountain Top Ministries pay you for teaching in Gramothe?
A. I am a true missionary this year, meaning I am financially supported solely by the generosity of other people. I took a leave of absence from my job teaching reading in Indiana. While not officially unemployed this year, my paychecks stopped in the middle of August. I am volunteering my time to Mountain Top Ministries, but in order to live in Haiti (or anywhere) there are expenses that must be covered. Without an income, there's no way that I can pay for food, housing, or other expenses that come up. In order to have money for these expenses, I needed to raise support.

It can be difficult to wrap your brain around the concept of "raising support." Basically what I did was write a letter that A) explained why I decided to leave my job in Mishawaka to teach in Haiti and B) invited people to partner with me in several different ways. I asked people to pray for me regularly, financially support me, and/or send packages of school supplies if I needed them. I sent this letter to pretty much everyone I know, and then I waited for their responses. In addition to sending letters, I also contacted several churches and groups to see if they would be interested in supporting me. I was able to share with several congregations and small groups about my hope to live and teach in Haiti. I also created a prayer card, which is kind of like an over-sized business card, with information about how to financially support me on the back.

 Sometimes it can take missionaries years to raise the support they need to leave the United States. Thankfully I had many positive responses in a very short period of time. By the end of August I had enough support to leave for Haiti. When I arrived in Haiti during the first part of September, I had nearly 80% of the financial support I needed to live in Haiti for the entire school year. God has been faithful to provide for all my needs since I arrived in Haiti, and I'm happy to report that as of today my financial support is at 88%. I only need about $3,000 to complete my support.

If you are interested in supporting me as I teach and touch lives in Haiti, you can give tax deductible financial gifts to Mountain Top Ministries, a registered non-profit. Just send a check to Mountain Top Ministries at P.O. Box 7053, Terre Haute, IN 47802. Write the number "0500" in the memo line and the office staff will be sure to put the money in my account.

Three Months Today

I've been thinking for several hours about what to write for this post to commemorate my first three months in Haiti. There's so much I'd like to say, but I can't figure out where to start. Even when I think about different categories of information I want to share, I have a hard time getting the right words to line up and make sentences. The ideas and pictures in my head seem so difficult to articulate today.

I'd like to tell you about all the different ways God has been teaching me to trust him with my entire life. The scary ATV rides in the rain. The moments of panic before stepping in front of 55 seventh grade students who don't speak English. The riots and general unrest due to the elections. The hurricane that grazed Haiti.

I also want to tell you about how my spending habits have changed since I left the Land of Plenty. How I have learned to depend on God to provide for my financial needs in a way I never could have while I was gainfully employed. How I've been blessed beyond measure by the generosity of my family, friends, neighbors, and even strangers. How I still sometimes struggle to trust that God is going to take care of everything.

My heart aches to explain the unnameable emotions that surface when someone shares their story about surviving the earthquake and what life was like in its aftermath.

I wish I could give words to the scenes I see on the streets of Petionville, where thousands are still living in tents. That I could somehow explain the guilt I feel as I drive past tent after tent--both because I do nothing to help those people and also because I cynically wonder how many of them moved to the tent cities because they knew they would get free aid.

And there are the children. The unconditional love from little brown boys and girls who don't speak your language is something you can only experience for yourself. I can tell you about the gifts they give me and their shy smiles and the way they fight to hold my hand, but those glimpses would never be enough to give you the whole picture.

There are my students who exemplify the persistence and tenacity I've found to be such an intrinsic element of Haitian culture. First there’s the fact that they walk up that steep mountain road every. single. day. I wish I could do justice in telling you of the determination of 24 year-old men who want to finish high school. Or that I could adequately explain the fortitude of children who get themselves to school on time each day, wash their own clothes, cook their own meals, and do all the household chores because their parents who work as domestic helpers are only home one day a week.

Or, maybe, I should spend some time talking about the life changing work done in the clinic. About the antibiotics given to fight infection. Or the nastiest burns I've ever seen that are cleaned and bandaged. Or surgical procedures that correct painful and disfiguring problems. Or something as simple as immunizations given to the children.

There is so much in my heart that I wish I could share with you, and the past three months have changed me. My view of the world has been enlarged. My compassion for the poor has grown. My tolerance for commercialism and selfishness has shrunk. My love for the people of Haiti has increased beyond measure. And my desire to return to living in the States... well, I'll let you draw your own conclusions about that.

Fantastic-ness

This week Beth Charles (missionary I'm working with) e-mailed me to explain that where I'll be living in Haiti has changed. This has changed my budget because it's cheaper for me to live in the new place than the house we originally planned on. Woohoo! And another e-mail this week came from Fremont United Methodist Church saying they are going to partner with me financially. Soooo, I revamped the budget and also plugged in the recent financial donations.

With my new budget and the additional financial support, I am at 71.6% of my funding. God is UH MAY ZING!!! The Charles family has given me the green light to buy my plane ticket to Haiti, and they write that they are eagerly awaiting my arrival. The only thing holding me back is not having renters lined up for my house. Please join me in praying for the Lord to provide renters. I'm confident he will provide all that I need to leave for Haiti soon. I'll definitely keep you posted.

Provision update

Yesterday I shared that a couple had committed to renting my house. They called me today to let me know that their job situation has changed and they won't have the income necessary to rent my house. They said they would call me if things changed, but that I should start looking for other renters. I'm sad that they won't be moving in because they were so excited about it. BUT I'm still confident God is going to provide all that I need.

In other news, Grandma Myers called me today to say that the church in her town wants me to share during their morning services later this month! Hopefully I'll be able to recruit some more partners for Team Gramothe. :)

Provision

Why do I ever doubt God? He has never given me a reason to doubt him. On the contrary, he has consistently provided all that I need--and so much more! Earlier this week I was really struggling to trust that the finances I need to go to Haiti would ever show up. I was frantically brainstorming ways to raise more funds and obsessing about how much money I didn't have.

On Thursday I remembered, with a little help from the Big Guy upstairs, that it's not my job to find the needed money or think of ways to generate it. The Holy Spirit reminded me that the Lord owns cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10) and that he can do immeasurably more than I ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). I decided that I was going to trust God and his timing--even when it didn't look like what I had planned.

Later that night I got a call from the couple who looked at my house last week. They've agreed to rent it for the time I'm gone! Not 15 minutes later some very generous friends gave me a check for five thousand dollars. I still can't believe it! It is indeed an excellent reminder of God's provision.

So this morning as my heart overflows with thankfulness, the apostle Paul's words to the Philippians are forefront in my mind:

And my God will meet all your 

needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:19

You May Have What It Takes

I'm planning to give up the next year of my life serving orphans and disadvantaged youth in Haiti. There are still a few outstanding needs that need to be taken care of before I can leave. Would you consider partnering with me in this venture by covering one of the items listed below?

• round trip airfare from Chicago to Port au Prince $600 

• insurance for the entire year $600

• a dry, secure location to store furniture and household items for 11 months OR $140/mo for a storage unit
  

• electricity and propane tanks for the stove $70/mo
  

• in country transportation costs $50/mo
  

• 600 cell phone minutes $16 (can purchase more as needed)

Please e-mail me at britneyLsmith (at) gmail (dot) com if you are able to provide for one of these needs or if you're interested in learning more.

Support Update

Team Gramothe is still growing! Here are the numbers as of this morning:

Prayer Partners: 45

Financial Support: 41.3%

That's 20 more prayer partners and 6% more financial support since my last update. And, some potential renters are looking at my house today. They are a young couple looking to move back to the Michiana area. I'm praying they will agree to rent my house for the time that I am gone.

Haiti Q & A: When are you leaving?

Q. When are you leaving for Haiti?
A. The short answer: when I've raised the rest of my support. I would really like to leave for Gramothe (gruh-mott) by September 1st, but I need to raise the remainder of my support before I can leave. At this point I know where 35% of my funds are coming from. I'm so very grateful for the people who have joined Team Gramothe. I feel blessed that they have chosen to partner with me in this ministry, but there are times where I freak out about where the rest of the money is going to come from. I am confident that God has called me to go to Gramothe, and I know he will provide what I need to do what he's called me to do. However, there are still days when I struggle to to trust God because in my human mind it seems impossible to raise all of the support I need by the end of August.