Conflicted

I love being here in Indiana. I am enjoying the time with my family, the snuggle time with Dax the dog, and the yummy food. I forgot how much I liked American food! More than that, I've felt overwhelmingly blessed by my church family. They welcomed me so warmly with hugs and hellos; it was like I had never left. They even have gifts for me to take back to my students in Haiti. And I'm really looking forward to reconnecting with so many friends over the next week.

But even with all these sweet blessings, I miss Haiti. My little friend Rosias was baptized yesterday after church, and I'm really bummed that I wasn't there for it. Later this week is January 1st. It's one of the most celebrated holidays in Haiti--it's both New Year's Day and their independence day. I'm sad I'll miss that celebration too. I miss the kids from Laboule and my computer class. Even though I haven't mentioned it to the internet world before, I've met someone special in Haiti. I miss him. A lot.

I'm having a hard time reconciling these conflicting emotions. I want to be able to enjoy my parents and friends without feeling like I'm missing out on what's going on in Haiti. And I want to be able to connect with my Haitian friends and students without the guilt of feeling like I abandoned my loved ones in Indiana.

What I really want is to be able to call both places home, and enjoy the time I have in each place, without feeling guilty.

Through New Eyes

I've been thinking a lot about these people since I arrived on U.S. soil.

My after school computer class.

I wonder what they would think of the snow, the Christmas decorations, the constant electricity, church services at St. Mark, the smooth roads, the food. Life in the States is vastly different than the life my students live in Haiti, and I wonder what they would think if they could be here.

This Christmas I'm enjoying the gift of new eyes, of seeing life from a different perspective.

Golden Nuggets V

Golden Nuggets is a term I am borrowing from my friend Sini who is spending her senior year of high school in Indonesia as a foreign exchange student. She calls all the random facts she's gathered about the country she's now living in Golden Nuggets. In that vein, I am going to periodically share Golden Nuggets about Haiti. 

• Apparently passing police cars is just fine and dandy in Haiti, even if they have their lights on. I witnessed a motocycle passing a police car on Sunday evening. The police had their colored lights going, but Johane thought that was just because it was so dark. She said as long as the police car didn't appear to be chasing someone down it's okay to pass them. Can you imagine passing a police car in the States???

• Sinks in Haiti don't have hot water. I was reminded of this when I returned to the States and was confused when the water coming out of the sink wasn't cold. I actually had to adjust the faucet to get cold water I wanted to come out. 

• In Haiti you aren't supposed to flush toilet paper. You put it in the trash next to the toilet. At the Miami airport I was thinking, "Wow. That's a little trash can. If they put a bigger trash can in here, they wouldn't have to empty it every 20 minutes." Then I realized I was in the U.S. and the toilet paper didn't need to go in the trash can, but that was after I had already put it in the trash.

Travel Day, 2nd Half

My flight out of Miami was scheduled to leave at 7:20 pm. Around the time we should have started boarding the plane, someone came on the intercom to explain that we were in "decision time" and they would let us know when a decision had been made. Twenty minutes later we were told our flight was delayed for an hour.

Around 8pm we boarded the plane. As soon as everyone was settled, the pilot announced that we were still not cleared to fly into Chicago. He was optimistic, though, and wanted us in our seats ready to go so we could take off as soon as Chicago gave us the all clear signal. I had woken up at 5am and didn't have anyone sitting next to me on the plane. I decided a nap was in order. At 9pm I was startled awake by the pilot's second announcement: Our flight had officially been delayed another 55 minutes due to nasty weather in Chicago. I borrowed a cell phone to call my mom (who was already at Portage) to say I was still in Miami. She went to my brother's apartment to hang out for a little while, and I went back to sleep.

Finally a few minutes before 10pm, our plane started taxing down the runway. I was back to sleep before we reached our maximum cruising altitude. However, my nap didn't last long. About 20 minutes in the air, I heard what sounded like a child's scream. I was groggy and assumed someone's child was being unruly. However, the second time I heard the scream it was followed by a mother's call for help. Her teenage daughter was having a seizure. Two medical professionals jumped out of their seats and came to the girl's aid. The entire plan was silent and watching. After the seizure ended and the girl became coherent again, it was clear she was going to be okay. I was afraid they would turn the plane around and go back to Miami, but we kept on toward Chicago. Eventually sleep overcame me and I was able to sleep almost the entire way to Chicago. 

When we reached Chicago a few minutes past 1am, we had to wait a few minutes on the tarmac. First we waited for the tunnel to be connected to the plane. Then the girl who had the seizure had to get off the plane with the paramedics, but they let her walk herself off. I saw her later at the baggage area and she looked perfectly fine. I'm fairly certain her sister said she'd had seizures before, so I don't think it was new experience for their family. I still felt bad for them though.

Eventually I found my bag, and just as I was getting ready to ask a stranger to use a cellphone I spotted my mom. We loaded up the car and headed for Indiana. After a slight detour to get me something to eat and a missed exit for the Skyway, we arrived safely in Middlebury just before 5am on Tuesday morning. It was a very long day of travel, but I made it safely and that's what is important.

Travel Day

I wrote this during my layover in Miami. The last leg of my travel day stretched out longer than I anticipated, but I'll have to share that story after I get some sleep!
 
Today has been… odd. I woke up before my alarm went off with a stomach ache. Waking up before the alarm rings really isn’t that unusual for me, but the stomach ache part was new. After my brain started functioning I realized today was the day I was leaving Haiti to spend the holidays with my family. Then the stomach ache made sense.

I haven’t mentioned it to very many people, but I’m pretty nervous about going home for Christmas. I’ve only been out of the US for three and half months. In the grand scheme of things, that really isn’t that long. Yet, I feel like much of my life has changed in those months. I’ve been anxious about how those changes will affect my relationships with my loved ones. First there’s the fear that I won’t be able to find the words to explain what’s happened in my life and heart. But mostly I guess I’m nervous that the people who know me the best suddenly won’t understand me anymore. And I don’t know how I’ll cope if that happens.

Possibly the strangest, and most significant, sighting of the day was on the way to the airport. Beth drove me to the airport this morning, and we traveled roads we take every time we go to Petionville or Delma. There’s a park near the police station that has been a tent city for the past 11 months, and I always gawk as we drive past. Today, however, there were sections where the tents, the people, everything was missing. Entire sections of the tent city have disappeared. We had a moment of celebration in the car. The absence of even some of the tents is a triumph for the nation of Haiti. I’m excited to see how many more tents are gone when I return in 2.5 weeks.

Beyond my stomach ache this morning and the missing tents in Petionville, there have been several other interesting incidents. First, I ate a hamburger for breakfast. It makes me chuckle even now because I’m sure the lady who served me thought I was crazy. But the airport shop in Port au Prince was crazy busy and I didn’t feel like struggling through the language issues to order something more breakfast appropriate. Also at the P.a.P. airport were the funny little conversations I had with the airport workers. Being able to speak a few words of Creole makes for some funny exchanges. One security guy waved me through the metal detector. I had left my passport holder on around my neck because I knew I could get away with not taking it off. He pointed at it and said, “Passport?” So I showed him the inside. Then he asked me in French if I spoke French. I said, “No.” But then he asked me a question not in English. I told him in Creole that he talks too fast, so he asked me my name in Creole. I answered him, and he told me to have a good day. I thought it was pretty entertaining.

In Miami I had a scheduled 7 hour layover, and I came to a strange realization: It’s really obnoxious to comprehend all the words being spoken around me. I’ve come to enjoy being oblivious to what others are saying, and I find it annoying to be subject to everyone else’s thoughts. For instance, I didn’t really need to know about all the different religious organizations working in Madagascar or the horse farm in Waco, Texas. I especially didn’t want to overhear the argument between mother and daughter about traveling to Europe. But there were some good parts to my layover. At one point a man behind me started speaking Creole on his phone. It was sweet music to my ears! I didn’t understand everything he said, but it was nice to hear some familiar sounds. Then there was the man who exited the bathroom with a good 3 feet of toilet paper hanging off his shoe. How does that even happen? If I see t.p. on the floor, I avoid stepping on it. And then there are the babies. I love babies. The Miami airport has been full of babies today. I wish I could pick them up and cuddle them, but I think going to jail for attempted kidnapping would put a damper on Christmas. So I just smiled and waved.

I’m hoping that the oddness ends there. I don’t really want to experience more weirdness on my final flight or the drive home from O’Hare. But I suppose weird is a better theme for the day than frustration or patience or even boring.

Echoes

Recently I found the blog of a family that moved to Haiti about a month before I did. The husband and wife are both excellent writers, and I find that they often say what I wish I had words to express. Recently the wife posted these thoughts about Christmas gifts. Her words echo in my heart and I have struggled with the same thoughts about Christmas lists and the invisible gifts I have taken for granted.

Christmas Wishlist UPDATE

Previously I posted the following Christmas Wishlist. I would really like to bring all donations to Haiti in my luggage after Christmas. If you would like to donate something from the list (or a gift card or money to be used to purchase the items), you can give donations to me personally or mail them to my parents' house:

Britney Smith

1l6 Krider Dr

Middlebury, IN 4654O

The items crossed out have already been donated.

After School Computer Class

1. Larousse French English Dictionaries  (20) feel free to purchase as many or as few as you are able to
2. multiple copies (7 would be nice, 4 will work) of "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Suess
3. other English picture books
4. purses and/or bracelets for the 8 girls
5. wallets and/or watches for the 12 guys
6. American candy
7. gum
8. white out, Haitian students will not turn in a paper with a mistake on it. I am forever fighting them about wasting paper!
9. a gift card to Meijer, Walgreens, or some other photo printing place so I can print some pictures for them to have

Britney's Personal List

• cook and serve chocolate pudding
• Crystal Light Peach or Mango Peach Iced Tea
• Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds cereal
• chocolate chips
• Wrinkle Releaser spray
• stain remover spray for laundry

Two Reasons...

...to pray for Haiti
...to be thankful you live in the good ole U.S. of A.
...to count your blessings

1. Coming down the mountain after church we passed 6 men carrying a cane wrapped couch with a very sick man lying on it. After inquiring about their journey, we learned the man had been sick for 3 days and is from the neighboring village of Grenier. We emptied the truck bed of its passengers and gave them a ride to the nearest cholera treatement center. The men told us there were three other people in Grenier who are sick. For those of you who have been here, Grenier is the village to the right of Gramothe when you are looking at the mountain from the guest house. Because of the proximity, we have quite a few students in the Gramothe school from Grenier.
2. Also, the riots have been calmer the past couple of days, but the streets are sure to heat up again tomorrow if the government doesn't give the people what they want (basically fair [meaning different] election results or Sweet Mickey to be in the run-off election in Jan.). School  hasn't been canceled for tomorrow, but the students were told at church today to stay home if there's trouble. The trouble is far from over, and there's no way to predict what will happen.

Please keep praying for Haiti.

And please know that I am not in danger here. I am not fearful for my safety or my health. God has given me peace and a burden for the people of Haiti. I want more than anything to see Haitians turn to the only One who can true and lasting peace. I ask that you join me in praying that during this difficult time more Haitians will come to know the Lord as the great Healer--of bodies, hearts, and nations.

Yum, Yum, Yum

I love Haitian food. I also love that Myra (the cook at the guest house) enjoys feeding me so much. She is a fantastic cook. Yesterday she made several of my favorite foods, and I was able to take some before and after pictures.

 This is lam veri tab, known in English as bread fruit. It's starchy like a potato, and you can eat it in about as many ways as you eat potatoes.

This is the marinade (before mixing) that Myra used on the turkey, which was delicious. I think there is chopped green pepper, onion, some other green things, ground cloves, and maybe something other things.

This is acra, I think. I know it becomes acra, but I'm not sure if acra is the vegetable or the finished product. Anyway, it's the root of a plant known as elephant ear. To make acra, you grate it, mix it with spices and then deep fry it. That little green thing is a pima, or pepper.

Here is the blurry, but finished product. This is halfway through eating. I was so excited about yummy foods I forgot to take a picture at the beginning! The chicken nugget looking things are acra--one of my favorite foods here! The bright yellow flat french fries are fried lam veri tab. There's rice, and the orange mashed potato looking stuff is actually militon, which is squash. It's mashed and cooked with a little tomato paste--another of my favorite foods here. The meat was boiled in the marinade and then fried. If I remember correctly it was turkey. And the fried things at 12 o'clock are sweet potato fries. Such a delicious dinner!

Three Months Today

I've been thinking for several hours about what to write for this post to commemorate my first three months in Haiti. There's so much I'd like to say, but I can't figure out where to start. Even when I think about different categories of information I want to share, I have a hard time getting the right words to line up and make sentences. The ideas and pictures in my head seem so difficult to articulate today.

I'd like to tell you about all the different ways God has been teaching me to trust him with my entire life. The scary ATV rides in the rain. The moments of panic before stepping in front of 55 seventh grade students who don't speak English. The riots and general unrest due to the elections. The hurricane that grazed Haiti.

I also want to tell you about how my spending habits have changed since I left the Land of Plenty. How I have learned to depend on God to provide for my financial needs in a way I never could have while I was gainfully employed. How I've been blessed beyond measure by the generosity of my family, friends, neighbors, and even strangers. How I still sometimes struggle to trust that God is going to take care of everything.

My heart aches to explain the unnameable emotions that surface when someone shares their story about surviving the earthquake and what life was like in its aftermath.

I wish I could give words to the scenes I see on the streets of Petionville, where thousands are still living in tents. That I could somehow explain the guilt I feel as I drive past tent after tent--both because I do nothing to help those people and also because I cynically wonder how many of them moved to the tent cities because they knew they would get free aid.

And there are the children. The unconditional love from little brown boys and girls who don't speak your language is something you can only experience for yourself. I can tell you about the gifts they give me and their shy smiles and the way they fight to hold my hand, but those glimpses would never be enough to give you the whole picture.

There are my students who exemplify the persistence and tenacity I've found to be such an intrinsic element of Haitian culture. First there’s the fact that they walk up that steep mountain road every. single. day. I wish I could do justice in telling you of the determination of 24 year-old men who want to finish high school. Or that I could adequately explain the fortitude of children who get themselves to school on time each day, wash their own clothes, cook their own meals, and do all the household chores because their parents who work as domestic helpers are only home one day a week.

Or, maybe, I should spend some time talking about the life changing work done in the clinic. About the antibiotics given to fight infection. Or the nastiest burns I've ever seen that are cleaned and bandaged. Or surgical procedures that correct painful and disfiguring problems. Or something as simple as immunizations given to the children.

There is so much in my heart that I wish I could share with you, and the past three months have changed me. My view of the world has been enlarged. My compassion for the poor has grown. My tolerance for commercialism and selfishness has shrunk. My love for the people of Haiti has increased beyond measure. And my desire to return to living in the States... well, I'll let you draw your own conclusions about that.