Thursday, November 3, 2011

Where my heart is...

On Sunday I was able to be at my home church again. I don't think I'd been there in about 5 weeks. Two boys from the youth group actually sought me out to say they were happy I wasn't back in Haiti yet. They thought for sure that I had gone back without saying goodbye. Aren't they sweet?

I have really enjoyed traveling to other churches and sharing about what God is doing through Mountain Top Ministries in Haiti, but it was really refreshing to be with my church family again. I think I'll be able to worship with them for the next four Sundays. Then it will be time for me to return to Haiti and worship with my friends in Gramothe. Only four more Sundays in the States. That's both exciting and heart wrenching. Why can't Northern Indiana and Haiti be only 20 or 50 or even 100 miles apart? That would make my life much easier.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited to be going back. YES!! I'm thrilled that I will be with Arold in just 25 days. I can't wait to see my students and talk about school, their families, and what's happening in their lives. Being involved in the life changing ministry of MTM, through the clinic and the school and church, is something I love about being in Haiti.

But in some ways the next 25 days in the U.S. are the hardest because the excitement about going back is tempered with heart ache over leaving. My entire family lives here. They celebrate birthdays and holidays together. They hang out and eat at each others' houses. They get to do life together, and I'm in a different country getting glimpses of it through Facebook and e-mail. Two of my best friends just had babies. I can't cuddle with them from Haiti. I can't just stop by and get my baby fix. I won't be around as they grow and change. I can't celebrate milestones in their lives, and I likely won't even know when some of those milestones happen. Living in Haiti doesn't allow me to be intimately involved in my loved one's lives.

I fully recognize that this is the choice I've made, and I am confident beyond a shadow of a doubt that God wants me in Haiti. I have the peace that only God can give about moving to a country plagued by poverty, civil unrest, and diseases like cholera. I know that once I'm in Haiti again I will be excited to be there, but saying goodbye (even when it's just for a few months--I will be back in June) is hard and I wish I didn't have to do it. I hate thinking "Is this the last time I'm going to see this person before I go?" because it makes me want to cry every. single. time.

Maybe I'm a little hormonal today and my emotions are getting the best of me.

Or maybe life is messy and saying goodbye to the people you love is always hard, no matter how confident you are that where you're going is where God wants you.


  1. Oh, my friend, I hear you! It is HARD to still have friends back in the States but not be involved in their day-to-day lives. Goodbyes are always hard and messy - either way you are traveling. This life we have chosen in obedience to God, it is not easy! You are not alone!

  2. Thanks for the reminder that I'm not alone. Sometimes I get so focused on myself it's hard to see the big picture. After I wrote this post I spent some time thinking about what it must have been like to be a missionary before the internet or when you shipped your belongings in the casket your body would be shipped back in. I'm so thankful I live in this day and age when I have Skype and Facebook!

  3. No, you're not alone :-)

    You know, in some ways we have it easier, but in other ways, because we have more available, our expectations are higher, too. Because we have internet and skype and FB, etc, we have the expectation that we are going to be able to keep up with everyone's lives. Which doesn't always happen. And then that leads to more disappointment. In the olden days, less was available, but then again, no one expected the missionaries to keep up with everyone's life!

  4. I'm in the same boat! My husband and I live in the midwest and my family is all together on the east coast. I'd love to be living over there, but for a few reasons, we just can't. I love to see everything they're doing and to know how people are doing via e-mail and facebook, but at the same time, it's hard to see them all together and not want so badly to be there when I just know I can't. Does that even make sense? I hope so. Regardless, chin up. You're doing a good thing.